Stand Up! Speak Up! Listen! And Act!

Stand UP

I don’t know Dr. Christine Blasey Ford who has accused U.S. Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault, but I do know that even before I’d started school,  I knew to my bones that good girls were quiet, didn’t complain, shouldn’t tattle, and that if something bad happened, it was probably my own fault.

In my Decatur, Illinois, kindergarten class, I was the youngest and smallest student.  My classmate Jeffery was the biggest.  He liked to come running and jump on my back. It hurt. A good girl, I didn’t tattle.   Finally when my teacher, an otherwise nice woman, saw Jeffery in action, she just laughed and said that he probably liked me.   I tried to stay away from Jeffery.  One recess  as I was waiting in line for the slide, Jeffery ran over and kicked my shin, hard.  Of course, I didn’t tell, but a very colorful, huge bruise grew on my leg.   When my mother saw it, she asked me what had happened, and I told her about Jeffery.  Mom went to see my teacher, and I don’t remember Jeffery picking on me much after that.

Several times in my life, there have been reasons for me to speak up.  But as a good girl who didn’t want to get anyone in trouble,  I usually haven’t said anything.  Even when I have protested, usually nothing changes.

When I first moved to Hawaii, for instance, I went to a doctor on Oahu. When his nurse was outside the examining room, the doctor’s language to me and his physically touching me were really inappropriate! I wasn’t some young thing. I was almost 40 years old, a well-educated professional.   I was shocked. I wrote a letter to the head of the Hawaii Medical Association describing in detail what had happened. That association head, another male doctor, thanked me for my letter, said he was glad that I had sent a copy to the offending doctor, and noted that Hawaii has many fine doctors. I should just choose another one.  Nothing came of my complaint  –  and I just gave up.

Several years ago, five female students came to me as their English teacher and the advisor to Phi Theta Kappa, the honor society at the college where I taught. The students complained about one male student who had been stalking some, behaving very inappropriately to others. These young women were all excellent students, one a returning adult; I knew them. And I knew the guy. So, I called the Dean of Students, told him the problem, and made an appointment so the young women could tell the Dean what the male student had been doing to them and ask that the student be given consequences by our college. I went to the meeting with the students. The Dean had invited the male student too, which was okay, but a bit of a surprise. The Dean listened to each of the young women and then heard out the male who basically said that they had all misunderstood his actions (like forcibly entering one girl’s apartment).   The Dean asked if any of the five young women had filed a police report. None had. So the Dean dismissed the women’s complaints.  Nothing came of the complaints – and I gave up.

My pattern has continued: don’t complain, be quiet, be nice— just stay away from those people. It’s my fault somehow if something bad happens to me.  And the offending person gets away with bad behavior.

It’s not just guys in our society that often get away with bad behavior.   Institutions can too.

On August 14, 2016, my husband and I showed up a few minutes late–perhaps the second time in about 10 years–to volunteer as ushers at the Maui Arts and Cultural Center’s production of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” As we reached the glass doors to the Castle Theater with all the “good” MACC volunteers watching, we were informed for the first time that now the MACC had a zero tolerance policy for tardiness. Barry and I were ordered to leave!  At the time, we thought we were the first ever MACC volunteers to be treated in such a way. That turns out not to be quite true, but it didn’t reduce the shock at the time.   We are both well-educated professionals, white, relatively affluent — (I know I live in a protected bubble); we had volunteered hundreds of hours to the MACC  and without any warning, we were publicly humiliated!  I was hurt and angry.

Loving the MACC for its varied events and experiences and with our teaching and counseling backgrounds, I thought we could help the MACC staff develop positive ways to encourage prompt arrival, good training, and improved treatment of  volunteers and event attendees.   Barry, as the supportive husband and good idea man that he is, came with me as I asked for one and then after no results , a second meeting,  as we went up through the MACC hierarchy.

The MACC Administrators said that they weren’t interested in our ideas, weren’t responsible for other specific incidents I considered  unprofessional and unnecessary – including an event manager ramming from behind a man who was walking out the front MACC gates.   MACC administrators said that publicly humiliating us had worked. The habitually late volunteers hadn’t been late a single time since our dismissal.  Besides the MACC had plenty of other volunteers.  The event manager had just done as she had been instructed. The MACC Administration supported her.  One woman from the MACC executive office did say she was sorry for the way I felt, but neither she nor the event manager knew why I had been eliminated from the approved MACC volunteer notices.

Not wanting to be shamed by telling other people or somehow hurting the MACC’s reputation and blaming myself for being those few minutes late, I gave up – still humiliated, hurt and angry.  I told only a few really close friends and my sister about what had happened.  Nothing changed.   Barry moved on; I’m still angry.

But I’m telling now what happened to us at the MACC.  Some people get kicked out of bars; Barry and I got kicked out of being volunteers at the MACC – the institution in our community that brings art and culture to our lives.  The whole thing was ridiculous really.  Behind the scenes, the MACC isn’t so wonderful to some people.

Do you believe me?  If you don’t, I don’t really care.  It’s the truth.

And if you’ve read this far, I thank you for listening.

And –

I’m really tired of being “nice.”

I feel terrible that I wasn’t the advocate that I should have been for the young women college students.  I could have gone on to the college chancellor with the five young women and told. If that didn’t work, we could have kept talking until someone listened and acted.   I could have written to the head of the medical licensing board for Hawaii about the sleazy doctor and continued talking if that didn’t work.  I could have taken our experience at the MACC outside its walls.

For women, shame and the idea that whatever happens is our own fault is deeply embedded in our culture and starts at birth.

Why do some women wait – maybe years, maybe decades later to tell or perhaps never?  One woman I know recently revealed that starting when she was 11 years old, she and her sister were raped by their father for years.   Today the woman is 75 years old and only now is she telling!

Covering up the bad behavior of others doesn’t really help anyone.

Some of those U.S. Senators who  smeared and humiliated Anita Hill 27 years ago when she testified against Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas will be judging Dr. Christine Blasey Ford on her allegations against Brett Kavanaugh.

180917095116-blasey-ford-kavanaugh-split-exlarge-169

Dr. Christine Blasey Ford  & Judge Brett Kavanaugh

Image from www.cnn.com/2018/09/23/politics/christine-blase-ford-senate/index.html

Is Dr. Ford telling the truth?   A resounding YES is my opinion – even if she has waited years to tell and didn’t tell her “loving parents”  – as our president disparagingly called them.  Of course, she wouldn’t have told.  I had loving parents too.

It would be just and reasonable to have an actual investigation – not the “he says,”  “she says” grilling by a Republican prosecuting attorney with no witnesses in front of the 21-member (17 of them white males) Senate Judiciary Committee that is now scheduled to happen Thursday – and no matter what happens in that Senate committee, the vote to confirm Kavanaugh is already scheduled for Friday.  I hope this makes you mad.

Hawaii Senator Mazie Hirono, Democrat, one of only four women on that Senate Judiciary Committee, said on Thursday, September 20th, “I just want to say to the men in this country: Just shut up and step up.  Do the right thing, for a change” (“The Maui News, 9/21/18, A 1).

01-Senator-Mazie-Hirono.w700.h467U.S. Senator, Mazie Hirono, Democrat, Hawaii

I wonder what kind of man Jeffery, my kindergarten classmate, grew up to be.  That creepy  doctor is unlikely have stopped his actions because he just got a letter from me. What about the male college student?  Do you think he learned anything from being called in to the Dean’s office and having the young women’s complaints dismissed?

Thank you to the #MeToo Movement, Anita Hill, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, and all the women and men in the world who speak out and speak up — and don’t give up.  And thanks to all the people who are listening and asking for justice.

We are flawed human beings.  We all make mistakes, but covering up for others, excusing with “boys will be boys” attitudes,  or pushing someone around because you can are not evolved ways to be and don’t help anyone grow or change.

We can together create a better world, but not if people feel they must stay quiet and can’t tell the truth – and when others don’t show respect or listen.

Good luck,  Dr. Ford. I’m wishing you strength.  Thank you for standing up.

But it is hard to change things alone.

The really frightening aspect of Brett Kavanaugh becoming a U.S. Supreme Court Justice is that he is only 54 years old, the appointment is for life, and his record is of an extremely conservative judge: against women’s rights, immigrant rights, environmental protection, gun restrictions .  . .

On this U.S. National Voter Registration Day, September 25, please

  • Make sure you are registered to vote,
  • Become an informed citizen on local, state, and national issues, and then
  • Vote on November 6, 2018.

Michael Moore’s new movie Fahrenheit 11/9 notes that 100 million Americans did not vote in the 2016 Presidential Election! Get informed — and make your voice heard!

Image may contain: 1 person, text
Let’s stand up, speak up, listen, and join others to make our voices heard — and create change that’s desperately needed.
And the idea behind telling need not be to catch someone doing something wrong so we can crucify the person, but to show the harm that has been done — and to come up with other ways to be and do.   Let our voices be the yardsticks to measure what is — and what could be.
In my MACC example, mainly I got my feelings hurt.  I’m sure to get over it especially now that others know, and I don’t feel isolated.  Perhaps the MACC Administration will consider other ways – more evolved ways – to act.  And I will move on – and forgive.
Also we must make space for people to tell the truth about misconduct.  We hope to learn and evolve.  What if, for instance, Bill Clinton had told the truth at the beginning of Monica Lewinsky’s allegations?  What if he said that he had made a mistake and that he was sorry?  We must provide space for people to tell the truth.
In the U.S, the environment is under attack; children are ripped from their parents; our taxes go to the military machine; our public education system is stressed.  Even at the Hawaiian Islands Humpback Whale National Marine Sanctuary (where I now volunteer most happily), we have lost two wonderful full-time staff members in the last few months because of budget cuts.  We have many issues to support.  Let’s put our energies together and work for good causes.  Be an informed voter – and see where you are most needed.  Your vote and your energy are needed.  What we each do matters, now and for the future.
electorate-clipart-voting-right
Aloha – in love and action, Renée

Banner photo:  Maui Arts and Cultural Center – photo mauiarts.org

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About reneeriley

Our blog was begun as a way to share our experiences in China. From August 2010 to July 2011, my husband, Barry Kristel, and I were at our University of Hawaii Maui College sister school, Zhejiang Agriculture and Forestry University in Lin'an, China, a city considered rural because it has only 500,000 people! We had a wonderful time. Then in February 2012, we returned to teach this time at our other sister school, Shanghai Normal University, in a city of over 21 million people. We've made many discoveries. Did you know that now Chinese girls, at least the ones who go to university, for the most part feel they are luckier than the Chinese boys? Did you know that Shanghai saved over 20,000 European Jews during WWII? Do you know how Chinese university students would deal with problems that come up in Dear Abby letters? What's it like to be on the Great Wall of China? Do you know how many Chinese girls had their feet bound and why? And we have recipes from many of the places we've visited. Among others, you can find instructions on how to fry cicadas from one of my ZAFU students and how to make chocolate-Kahlua waffles from my brother Mike in Gainesville. You can also look back to our earliest entry to see what we experienced in Oaxaca, Mexico, in 2006 during the mainly peaceful six months of protest until the Mexican government sent in the troops. Between our stays in China, Barry and I have been on the Mainland U.S. visiting family, friends and Servas hosts as we traveled home to Maui. We share those experiences too. Welcome to our blog! Aloha and Zài Jiàn, Renée and Barry

6 responses to “Stand Up! Speak Up! Listen! And Act!”

  1. Patricia Rouse says :

    Hi Renee, Your personal journey to be your own self is so evident here, your anger, your stand-up- openness. Brava! And you have the community support in the Facebook posts to keep up your journey and your truth. I say keep it going, you can inspire. Aloha, Pat

  2. Rosita says :

    I particularly admire ur activism toward us, women, and particularly if we belong to any minority – as I belong to a group which ain’t really a minority, just underrepresented and non-disabled typicaly rotule as if we were all same -, so, I’m flattered with ur post❣️ And sorry for my absence for quite a while haha I got busy with other apps I almost forgot of visiting ur blog 😅😅😅 my country is been quite unstable those times, ‘cause elections…. now, 2nd round has been between an extreme left wing & an extreme right wing candidate, and, honestly?, neither of them pleases meh. They’re both nearly equally agressive, and I’ve voted for first time now 🙈 I feel hopeless about 2nd round, by end of month 😩 do y’all accompany Brasil politic situation thro TV?!
    With much love and hope y’all are fine,
    R

    • reneeriley says :

      Hi Rosita: Welcome back. I’veo wondered where you’ve been and am glad you are just busy. I know about Brazil now especially in newspaper reports and our National Public Radio (as I drive here and there), so I know Bolsonaro is a threat for the world since he wants to open the rain forests to logging. He, like our U.S. president, is concerned about making money–as fast as possible–without concern for the environment. However, you did elect the first Indigenous woman to Congress!! So good luck. I’m glad you can–and do–vote. Good luck with the outcome. Aloha, Renee

      • Rosita says :

        Thxs, my love❣️ I’m just..hopeless and afraid, ‘cause I don’t really see any perspective of improvement for Brasil’s situation.. 😬 I’d live abroad if I had opportunity to, but I’m so afraid of getting horribly sick and dying alone, I give up mostly of my dreams.. all I can do is wait and see.

      • reneeriley says :

        And join with others who feel the way you do. See something you can do, and do it. Those in power want the masses to give up and feel hopeless. Do what you can; it’s energizing — and can make a difference. And live abroad, where? The U.S. isn’t such a great destination anymore. But we are working on it. Good luck – and blessings to you – and Brazil.
        Aloha, Renee

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